The worst thing about hell isn't the heat, or the hard labour, or even the torture; it’s that you have to look out over heaven while you’re suffering. Some guy named Ian has been showing me the ropes since I arrived; he agrees that it’s the worst part. “It really makes me mad at God; I hate the way He goes about His business,” he said. “No wonder Satan’s so pissed.”
“How do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, anyone who fails to follow God’s unclear rules ends up here. We’re just two of many.”
“Yeah,” I said, encouraging him to get to the point.
“If God had any consideration He would drop down to earth and say: ‘These are the rules; if you fuck with them I’m ending humanity.’”
“That might work,” I agreed.
“You bet; there would be some mighty careful stepping down there on earth.”
“But what’s that got to do with Satan?” I asked.
“The haziness of the rules means that the majority of people end up in hell. Heaven’s just a handful of do-gooders and a bunch of infants,” he said. “Poor Satan has to put up with a massive influx of dead while about three people pass through the pearly gates a fortnight.”
“So Satan has to house, feed, and torture the majority of people that have ever existed,” I said. “That’s a good point.”
“He’s got the worst job here,” said Ian. “Remember that when they cut your eyelids off and make you read Charlotte Brontë’s Villette for the thirteenth time.”
“How do you mean?” I asked.
“Well, anyone who fails to follow God’s unclear rules ends up here. We’re just two of many.”
“Yeah,” I said, encouraging him to get to the point.
“If God had any consideration He would drop down to earth and say: ‘These are the rules; if you fuck with them I’m ending humanity.’”
“That might work,” I agreed.
“You bet; there would be some mighty careful stepping down there on earth.”
“But what’s that got to do with Satan?” I asked.
“The haziness of the rules means that the majority of people end up in hell. Heaven’s just a handful of do-gooders and a bunch of infants,” he said. “Poor Satan has to put up with a massive influx of dead while about three people pass through the pearly gates a fortnight.”
“So Satan has to house, feed, and torture the majority of people that have ever existed,” I said. “That’s a good point.”
“He’s got the worst job here,” said Ian. “Remember that when they cut your eyelids off and make you read Charlotte Brontë’s Villette for the thirteenth time.”