I wouldn’t call myself particularly dense but I really do suck at chess; it’s my Achilles’ heel. I am actually interested in learning the game, there’s just no one out there who honestly wants to teach it. People will of course feign interest in tutoring you but they’re really just looking for someone to reign over. They’ll sit down patiently and explain each piece’s movements: the horse can only move in an L-shape, the castle in a straight line, and the piece with a lemon for a head down the diagonals. The so-called tutor will kindly set up both sides of the board, then pull complicated moves, beat you in less than four minutes and avoid any explanation of their strategy. I can see how generals and commanders are so keen for war; I’ve seen the same enthusiasm among my friends. I have always been a pacifist, but now I realise I’d be taking bullets on the frontline while my friends are sipping scotch in the war room.