I’m not trying to sound grotesque in any way, but you know those times when you’re suddenly hit with an urge to shit? It happened to me at the cinema last night. Clearly not an ideal situation – I was on a date. I didn’t say a thing; I just rose from my seat and ran. At one point cramps kicked in and I honestly didn’t think I’d make it. Fortunately the available stall was clean and I somehow arrived with time to spare. After about three seconds the fire alarm sounded and water began to spray from the room. It turned into quite an awkward procedure; there’s a reason they keep the paper dry. I was uncomfortable, soaked to the bone, and I’d never felt more relived.